The NVC paradigm recognizes that force is sometimes necessary to prevent immediate harm, and that force can be a tool of nonviolence as long as you use it protectively, not punitively. To understand this distinction, imagine a parent playing outside with their young child when the child suddenly darts into the street.
You can also use NVC as a way to approach your own self-talk, since many of us tend towards violent communication filled with judgment and criticism when we speak to ourselves. To heal your relationship with yourself, treat it like any other relationship by focusing on feelings and needs. When other people act in ways we dislike, NVC asks us to empathize with them and understand the feelings and unmet needs that drove that behavior.
The way you speak to yourself is only one part of being self-compassionate. Another important part is how you spend your time.
For example, if you dread driving your kids to school, remember that you choose to do that because you value quality time with them. That naturally shifts your mindset to one of gratitude for having that time together. Essential Guide to Interpersonal and Nonviolent Communication.
Assertiveness Training. Download by James J. When we become aware of our needs, anger gives way to life-serving feelings. Use anger as a wake-up call. I recommend connecting empathically with our own needs or those of others. We refrain from making any move to blame or punish the other person. We simply stay quiet.
Then we take the next step and connect to the needs behind that those thoughts. For example, if I judge someone to be racist, the need may be for inclusion, equality, respect or connection. To fully express ourselves, we now open our mouth and speak the anger —but the anger has been transformed into needs and need- connected feelings.
Because it will often be difficult for others to receive our feelings and needs in such situations, we would need first to empathize with them if we want them to hear us. Taking our time Probably the most important part of learning how to live the process we have been discussing is to take our time. Learning the process and applying it both take time.
At the very least, the two can agree, in goodwill, to disagree. In some situations, however, the opportunity for such a dialogue may not exist, and the use of force may be necessary to protect life of individual rights. For instance, the other party may be unwilling to communicate, or imminent danger may nor allow time for communication. In these situations, we may need to resort to force.
If we do, NVC requires to differentiate between the protective and the punitive uses of force. The thinking behind the use of force The intention behind the protective use of force is to prevent injury or injustice. The intention behind the punitive use of force is to cause individuals to suffer for their perceived misdeeds.
The assumption behind the protective use of force is that people behave in ways injurious to themselves and others due to some form of ignorance. The corrective process is therefore one of education, not punishment.
Punitive action, on the other hand, is based on the assumption that people commit offenses because they are bad or evil, and to correct the situation, they need to be made to repent.
In practice, however, punitive actions, rather than evoking repentance and learning, is just as likely to generate resentment and hostility and to reinforce resistance to the very behavior we are seeking.
The punitive use force Physical punishment, such as spanking, is one punitive use of force. I wonder whether people who proclaim the success of such punishment are aware of the countless instances of children who turn against what might be good for them simply because they choose to fight, rather to succumb, to coercion.
Finally, I share the concerns of many parents about the social consequences of using physical punishment. When parents opt to use force, we may win the battle of getting children to do what we want, but in the process, are we not perpetuating a social norm that justifies violence as a means of resolving differences?
Another form is the withholding of privileges. The cost of punishment I was visiting a friend, a school principal, at his office when he noticed through the window a big child hitting a smaller one. I suspect what he learned instead was not to hit people smaller than he is when somebody bigger — like the principal- might be watching! If anything, it seems to me that have reinforced the notion that the way to get what you want from somebody else is to hit them. But if we ask ourselves Punishment is a losing game.
Punishment is a losing game. It is a reminder of the beauty side of life. Praising and compliments as damaging judgments In Nonviolent Communication we suggest not giving compliments or praise.
In my view, telling somebody they did a good job, that they are a kind or competent person We suggest that positive judgments are equally as dehumanizing to people as negative judgments.
We also suggest how destructive is to give positive feedback as a reward. It last until they sense the manipulation, that this is not gratitude from the heart. And when people sense the manipulation, the production no longer stays high. First, the intent is all-important: to celebrate life, nothing else. We want the other person to know how our life has been enriched by what they did. What the person did that we want to celebrate, what action of their part enriched our lives.
How we feel about that. What needs of ours were met by their actions. Example: After a Nonviolent Communication meeting a woman came an express her gratitude to me. What I did that that really in some way enriched your life. It would help me to know how you feel right now. And now third, what needs of yours was met by those two things?
All we do is fight. These two things you said met that need of mine for some concrete direction for connecting with him. NVC encourages us to receive appreciation with the same quality of empathy we express when listening to other messages. Receive appreciation without feelings of superiority or false humility. Paradoxically, despite our unease in receiving appreciation, most of us yearn to be genuinely recognized and appreciated.
And this myth seemed to support living under authoritarian regimens or domination societies, the leaders of which might call themselves kings or czars. Women will believe that nice women have no needs; thy sacrifice their needs for their family. At the same time we developed this way of thinking, of judging one another in ways that imply that reward is justified and punishment is justified.
We created judicial systems based on retributive justice that reinforce the idea that reward and punishment are deserved. I believe that this way of thinking and behaving is at the core of violence on our planet. We still have a domination society ruled by gangs. Some gangs call themselves street gangs. Other gangs call themselves multinational corporations. Some gangs call themselves governments.
They want schools to make student work for rewards so they can be hired later on to work eight hours a day for forty years of their life doing meaningless tasks.
Rather, they believe that they are blessed with being somehow closer to the higher authority. Where did the predominance of moralistic judgments and the tactics of punishment and reward come from? Why do we use them? We learn these tactics because they support certain gang behaviors. Creating change in our schools For example look at our schools. Our schools are doing what they were set up to do, which is to support gang behavior.
Which gang? They control our schools, and they have three historical goals: 1. Train people to work for extrinsic rewards. They want people to learn not how to enrich their lives, but to receive grades, to be rewarded with a better high-paying job in the future. Maintain a caste system and making it look like a democracy.
Teachers and administrators within the schools are not enemies. There are no enemies here. The good news is that it can be transformed. Now in some kindergarten schools we have a mediation corner in the classroom. When a conflict occurred between two girls, the mediator, sometimes another kid, asked them the basic questions of Nonviolent Communication.
Then the mediator asked the other girl to repeat back what the first one has said. Then when the first child was understood, the mediator helped the other girl express herself and helped this girl hear the other side. In a short time they had resolved the conflict and run off together. We teach students to mediate as well. Along with the schools, another major area of change for us is with the judicial system, with the government gangs that operate the legal system.
I hope that by now everybody is aware of the failure of the punitive structures that are part of our judicial system. There need to be a transition from retributive justice to restorative justice.
NVC is very much in harmony with the principles of restorative justice. The idea is that if we really want to have peace and harmony, we have to find out what will restore peace and not just punish the bad guys. Example: A person might have been raped. Instead of simply punishing this person for doing it, it is established by agreement on both sides that restorative justice in prison will be attempted. Very deep. I want you to be tortured. The first thing they want to do is apologize.
Remember what I say before. I want empathy first. I want you to show her that you fully understand the depth of her suffering. Can you repeat back her feelings and needs? Then I help the other person hear it. The person who has been raped is experiencing understanding from the person who did it.
I help him go inside and look at what he feels when he sees the suffering of this other person. That requires going deeply into oneself. Of course, the other person is witnessing this person now sincerely mourning, not just apologizing. I help him articulate it in terms of feelings and needs, and I help the victim empathize with that. At this point there are two different people in the room than the two who came in. Transforming enemy images for social change We want people not only to come out with awareness of how Nonviolent Communication can be used to transform our inner world, we want people to see how it can be used to create the world outside that we want to live in.
First, we need to liberate ourselves from enemy images, the thinking that says there is something wrong with the people who are part of these gangs.
Mediating between warring tribes Example: I once was asked to help mediate a conflict between two tribes in northern Nigeria. So who would like to begin, please? Our training shows that all criticisms, judgments, and enemy images are tragic expressions of unmet needs.
You have a need for safety. I had to be sure his needs were heard by the other side. The fact remains that when people get connected to the needs behind the anger, frustration, and violence, they move into a different world. When we address a group without being clear what we are wanting back, unproductive discussions will often follow.
Nonviolent Communication can help us to work better as a team in order to make our meetings more productive. Example: I helped a team that was going into unproductive discussions and ask me for help.
The meeting began with a man who had clipped an article out of the newspaper. And then for the next ten minutes everybody was talking about things that happened to them in the past, what a racist system it was, and so forth. It allows you to have the essential ideas of a big book in less than 30 minutes. By reading this summary, you will learn to master the basics of non-violent and spiritual communication in order to use it in your daily life.
You will also learn that : spirituality and non-violent communication are intimately linked; non-violent communication is within everyone's reach; spirituality can help to create a bond; it is possible to make requests without giving orders.
As a specialist in non-violent communication in all its forms, Marshall B. Rosenberg reveals the secrets of mediation and healthy communication that can help avoid conflict. The author's many observations and public interventions place spirituality at the center of effective non-violent communication.
Thus, empathy and compassion must be valued in order to relearn how to communicate. Through concrete examples, Marshall B. Rosenberg schematizes and explains the processes that make it possible to communicate smoothly and without violence, and encourages us to take stock of what is at stake in spiritual non-violent communication in everyday life.
Being clear on certain principles will help you know how to connect. Empathy and honesty will lead the way. This book presents ideas on how to communicate and connect with others from your heart. Through stories, definitions and cartoons it will inspire you to go deeper in your exploration of what really matters in human communication.
The learned behaviors of hate and resentment and the cycles of revenge are broken down and replaced with the skills of nonviolent communication, including recognizing one's needs and values and making behavior choices in alignment with them. This collection presents new ways of viewing familiar situations and daily reminders of the value of living compassionately.
Each meditation includes an inspirational quote and tips for integrating the message into the reader's life. Since then, thousands of NVC practitioners have been using the Matrix to identify skills, clarify strengths, discover edges, and navigate their own personal journeys toward emotional liberation and a more just, peaceful, and loving world.
Melanie Sears is a Registered Nurse with 27years experience working within the health care industry. She's also an instructor in Nonviolent Communications certified by Marshall Rosenberg's Center for Nonviolent Communications and has been actively involved with the Puget Sound Network for Compassionate Communications since I understand better now the struggles of health-care providers to deliver compassionate care while struggling within a bureaucracy that itself needs healing.
She put words to what I sensed but didn't understand. COM, Publisher : 50Minutes. Find out everything you need to know about nonviolent communication at work with this practical guide. Communication is an essential part of life, both professionally and personally. But it is essential to communicate without descending into violence or aggression and to instead approach conflict calmly.
By adopting nonviolent communication, you will be able to resolve disagreements more easily and address conflictual situations constructively. COM COACHING The Coaching series from the 50Minutes collection is aimed at all those who, at any stage in their careers, are looking to acquire personal or professional skills, adapt to new situations or simply re-evaluate their work-life balance.
The concise and effective style of our guides enables you to gain an in-depth understanding of a broad range of concepts, combining theory, constructive examples and practical exercises to enhance your learning.
Find a wealth of activities, exercises, and facilitator suggestions to refine and practice this powerful way of communicating. Join the hundreds of thousands worldwide who have improved their relationships and their lives with this simple yet revolutionary process. Included in the new edition is a complete chapter on conflict resolution and mediation.
And there is a specific set of skills which makes it much more likely that your efforts will be successful.
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